Cheesey Love

Cheesey Love

Well, y'all. Damn.

I've been talking about my travails with food recently and yesterday just upped the ante. See, I haven't talked as much about The Great Demise and losing my beloved J. I just - haven't been able to, I guess.

And I've been getting too skinny. I like skinny, but this is a little much. Like the last time I was scared out of eating (that's a story for another time but it involved a divorce, being asked for alimony and a lengthy legal battle).

I learned yesterday he is too skinny too. 

See, we still talk. Once or twice a week. You have to understand: this man is (still) my heart. It has been almost three months now since TGD . . . but this shit ain't over. I was pretty sure he felt that way too, but it was confirmed yesterday. We have talked for the past couple of weeks about getting together - for the first time since July 8, which was the last time we'd seen each other since TGD on July 6 - and for various reasons hadn't done it . . . maybe neither was sure the other really wanted to - would - should . . .

But we did.

I was so nervous. I spent much of the last eight years seeing this man often and the last year and a half pretty much daily, unless he was traveling. And much of that time, in any part of our relationship, was spent over food and drinks. Yesterday, we met at one of our "go-to" spots; the bartender who was working looked so happy and surprised to see me when I arrived and wondered aloud if J would be there soon and why had it been so long since we'd been in?

The look on his face when I said we'd broken up and this would be the first time I'd see him in almost three months pretty much matched my level of shocked-ness.

He brought a lot of paper napkins to be at the ready in case I needed them, and was on cue to know if I would get too upset.

I hadn't eaten all day and ordered this as a distraction . . . 

Absolute deliciousness in the form of cheesey parmesan bread.

I picked at it. He arrived and he picked at it. 

We had too much to talk about - imagine if you'd spent so much time, every day, laughing and talking and loving someone and your first instinct was always . . . them. To say your thought, to share your story, to tell your idea or fear or hope or . . . 

And that person went away. 

It is brutal.

So yesterday, over mostly untouched food and drink, I saw my J. We talked about everything and nothing; the hard stuff and the easy stuff were all on the table. There were hours spent. There were many kisses involved. 

We are both learning how to be our best selves and I am grateful for that. We are trying to figure things out, mutually and severally as he always says. I miss him so. So much.

Will we end up together? We shall see. I know some things with absolute certainty, though: I want him to be well, in all senses. I want him to sleep, have peace, and be healthy. I want the same for myself, as I know he does for me. I need to eat more cheese and bread and he probably does, too. I pray for him daily, as he does me. I miss him. I want him. I need to keep working on me. As does he, himself. He ties a great Windsor knot as he did for me yesterday since I had come from work and needed a re-tie . . . 

Ready for work tomorrow!

We still know and get each other. It is my belief that more chapters will be written in our story. What they entail, well y'all, stay tuned. But I know food, good taste and honesty are all definitely in the picture.

Yours,

Love Bites,
Carrie Neal